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The big "F" word.

You can find freedom in who you are when you stop holding onto the pain someone else caused in your heart.
This is something I’m sitting with since this week’s therapy session (yes, #mentalhealth is my top priority this year!)
Here’s what I’m working through. The BIG “F” word, FORGIVENESS. (Groan, 😩 easier typed than done irl)
My word for 2019 is FREEDOM, and what I’m realizing is you can’t get to “freedom” without “forgiveness”.
I have found that time can fool me, making it easy to believe that I have moved on from the trauma (or drama) of a painful relationship; but forgiveness looks like a heart that isn’t tethered to the “defining moment” of pain (and it turns out I’m not there yet!)
Forgiveness is the ability to send love and the best of intentions to the person I’m forgiving. This does NOT mean the person who hurt me gets to hold the same position in my life, if that keeps me in a cycle of hurt and manipulation. I’m learning how to give myself permission to set up the necessary boundaries that make me feel safe, while aligning my heart with love for the humanity and spirit that lives within each and every one of us (and the hardest part: apply that feeling to the one who has hurt me.)
My past pain does not mean I am forever broken; and letting forgiveness in will only enhance my ability to share more love. But fear asks, “Who am I without this gaping, bloody and  wounded spirit?” The pain has become my crutch and forgiveness says “You can be well again.” Why does this terrify me so? Why don’t I realize that on the other side of forgiveness is the most stunning shimmering light full of love? It can be scary to step into the light, the darkness and pain have become a more comfortable existence. A false sense of security that is only in it’s predictability that makes it feel safe. I’ve been here many years, I know what to expect and what’s expected of me here. Venturing out into deeper waters where peace, love and joy dwell is something I say I want. I must cross the bridge of forgiveness to get to these clear and calm waters. I don’t have to keep standing in the crashing waves wondering why I cannot swim without getting knocked down. I have the power to take the next step and move into the glorious freedom that is calling my name.
I can take the next step towards more love, empathy and compassion. I can do this. YOU can do this. Yes you can.
PC: Fiona Flaherty at Harlan Ruby/Vroom Vroom Balloon

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